Trauma Bonding: Why Victims Get Attached to Their Abuser

In recent years, trauma bonding has become a popular term on social media, surfacing in TikTok discussions and Instagram posts. But as with many psychological buzzwords, its true meaning can become diluted, and its impact on people is diminished.

While the increased awareness around mental health is a positive trend, oversimplifying trauma bonds can lead to misconceptions that prevent true understanding and can leave those looking for help unsure of where to turn. This article highlights the ways trauma bonds trap victims in cycles of abuse and gives context to why it can be so challenging to break free from harmful patterns of behavior.

The Misconceptions About Trauma Bonding

Before we define what trauma bonding is, let’s first clarify what it’s not. Trauma bonds are not forged between people who have experienced similar or shared hardship. Though unique bonds based on a mutual understanding of difficult experiences may form and provide comfort and community to those affected, they exist separately from a trauma bond itself, which specifically describes an unhealthy and harmful attachment between an abuser and their victim, which is created and sustained through patterns of abuse and manipulation. Understanding these differences and educating others on them makes it easier for both parties to find the resources and support they need to recover their well-being.

What Trauma Bonding Really Is

Trauma bonding describes the powerful attachment victims feel toward their abuser, and refers to the bonds formed through repeated cycles of cruel and kind behaviors. This emotional oscillation fosters confusion, dependency, and misguided hope in victims, and keeps them emotionally tethered to their abusers even at the risk of ongoing harm and escalatory behavior.

Though we often hear about these patterns in romantic relationships, trauma bonding can develop in any dynamic where one person has significant control or power over another. This can be a parent-child relationship, a work environment, or a friendship. By balancing malice with moments of affection, the abuser manipulates the victim’s emotions, creating a toxic dependency that is difficult to break.

For a detailed look at trauma bonds and their causes, check out our web series Mental Health Notes, hosted by Brittany Higgins, LCSW.

The Impact of Trauma Bonds

For those in abusive relationships, trauma bonds often serve as an invisible chain, making it incredibly hard to leave. Family and friends might struggle to understand why someone stays, but the psychological attachment trauma bonding creates explains this reluctance. Victims may cling to the hope that their abuser will change, holding on to the brief “good moments” as evidence that the relationship is worth fighting for.

Recognizing trauma bonds helps people understand the deep-seated emotional entrapment that keeps victims from leaving. This insight allows friends, family, and society to offer more empathetic and effective support.

How Trauma Bonds Form: The Brain’s Role

So, how does this powerful psychological attachment take root? And why is it so difficult to notice when we’re in the thick of it? Trauma bonding is built on a cycle of reward (your partner being nice) and punishment (your partner being abusive), triggering the brain’s reward pathways and reinforcing attachment to the abuser. Three primary hormones play a role here:

• Oxytocin: Known as the “love hormone,” oxytocin strengthens emotional connections. In abusive relationships, it reinforces the victim’s attachment to their abuser, even when that bond is harmful.

• Dopamine: Responsible for pleasure and reward, dopamine surges during the abuser’s rare acts of kindness, making the victim believe that staying is worthwhile.

• Cortisol: During periods of abuse, cortisol levels rise, causing stress and anxiety. When the abuser shifts back to kindness, dopamine temporarily alleviates this stress, creating an addictive cycle of highs and lows.

Through these hormonal responses, trauma bonding creates a psychological trap where the victim relies on the abuser for both stress and relief, perpetuating a cycle that feels nearly impossible to escape, and one that isn’t too different from the effects of drug, alcohol, gambling, or pornography addiction.

Narcissism’s Role in Trauma Bonding

Narcissistic abuse is a common factor in trauma bonding. Narcissists are experts at manipulation, using tactics like gaslighting to make their victims question their reality and self-worth. They might also use “love-bombing”—flooding the victim with attention and affection—to draw them in. Once the victim is emotionally invested, the narcissist withdraws the affection, using criticism and isolation to maintain control.

This constant shift between affection and devaluation strengthens the trauma bond, as victims cling to the hope that the “good side” of their partner will return. Narcissistic abusers know how to exploit vulnerability, making it incredibly challenging for victims who have already been psychologically broken to leave.

Why It’s So Difficult to Leave

Leaving an abusive relationship isn’t as simple as walking away. Trauma bonds cloud the victim’s perception, leading them to rationalize the abuse or downplay the severity of their situation. They may feel responsible for their abuser’s well-being or believe they can somehow ‘fix’ the relationship. In reality, victims often stay well beyond the point when the relationship has become unsafe, trying to “fix” the same person who is breaking them. This relationship dynamic relies on the continual sacrifice of one person’s emotional needs to satisfy the other’s and gradually erodes the victim’s sense of self, leaving them feeling lost and totally dependent on their abuser for their next, fleeting dose of happiness.

Recognizing a trauma bond is the first crucial step toward freedom. This requires acknowledging the reality of the abuse and understanding the psychological manipulation at play—a realization that often brings with it a sense of grief and shame.

How to Break the Cycle of Abuse

Breaking trauma bonds is a difficult task that demands intentional effort on the part of the victim. Preparing yourself physically, emotionally, and socially beforehand provides you with the best foundation for reclaiming your identity. Here are a few practical ways survivors can begin planning for how they’ll leave a toxic relationship:

Recognize the Abuse: Acknowledge that the relationship is toxic and that the moments of kindness don’t negate the harm. A measure of shame may creep up during this realization but remember that the way people treat you is a reflection of their insecurities, and finding yourself in an abusive relationship does not nullify your intelligence, intention, or worth as a human being.

Build a Support System: Surround yourself with people who understand and support your experience, including trusted friends, family, and mental health professionals. If you need help determining who your support system is or where to find professional help, visit Mental Health America for a list of resources and helplines.

Create a Safety Plan: Abuse often escalates when the abuser senses their victim is about to leave. Establish a safety plan, which may involve reaching out to shelters, hotlines, or legal resources.

Seek Professional Help: Therapy is invaluable in breaking trauma bonds. A therapist can guide you through processing the abuse, rebuilding self-worth, and developing healthy relationship skills.

Cut Contact: Once you’ve left, it’s essential to sever ties with the abuser to avoid re-engagement. Block their number, social media, and any channels of communication. Emotional distance is key to recovery.

Conclusion

Breaking a trauma bond requires courage, support, and resilience. Recognizing the psychological grip that trauma bonding creates is the first step toward reclaiming one’s sense of self and independence. With the right preparation and support system, survivors can find the strength to rebuild, redefine their identities, and move forward into a healthier future. Understanding and acknowledging trauma bonds not only empowers individuals to escape cycles of abuse but also encourages society to offer informed, compassionate support to those in need.

If you or someone you know is caught in an abusive relationship, resources such as the National Domestic Violence Hotline (1-800-799-7233) can provide confidential help.

Recovery Unplugged is here to help individuals understand and overcome the effects of harmful and abusive relationships, and to empower survivors to build a future rooted in self-worth and emotional resilience. If you or someone you know is struggling, remember that support is available, and recovery is within reach.